when I encountered the Star’s stand-in
as the elevator doors slid open
and I was stepping out
as she was stepping in
at 4 a.m.
and I saw that she was radically stoned
I asked her what on
she said 6 Valium and White Wine
because this was our last day of shooting
so she thought she’d celebrate
by balling someone in the crew
and getting zipped
since this was her home town
and she’d be staying right here
while we’d be moving on
and the agony of being just a local stand-in
left behind
in a town she ached to be out of
was bearing down on her now
with real force
and it made me suddenly re-ashamed
of being an actor in a movie
at all
and provoking such stupid illusions
so I took her to my room
with no designs on her body
at all
and she was desperately disappointed
tried to throw herself out my window
I said look it’s not worth it
it’s just a dumb movie
she said it’s not as dumb as life
1/11/81
Seattle, Wa.
Sam Shepard, in Motel Chronicles
